I’d been married for two years to my husband, Peter, and we were looking forward to the birth of our first child after a previous miscarriage that happened at fourteen weeks.
I was twenty-three years of age and had the world at my feet, when my life changed. I went down a different path, one I never dreamt I’d be living and ultimately had no control over.
On the 17th of July 1987, I gave birth to my daughter, Jenna. I was so excited about meeting my first child and took for granted that this would be a time of pure happiness and joy. But for the first week of Jenna’s life, she was critically ill and struggling to survive.
Living in the country and being a great distance from a major hospital meant that having an ill newborn baby was a terrifying experience.
Jenna had to immediately be transported to a larger hospital. Since there was a risk she would pass away before they reached their destination, her nurse had to baptise her in the back of the ambulance.
I was exhausted from the birth and terrified. Feeling numb and overwhelmed, I thought that if she died, I wanted to die, too. I didn’t get the opportunity to hold or bond with her, which greatly distressed me, and I felt robbed of that first nurturing experience as a mother. My heart was breaking, but there wasn’t a thing I could do other than pray she would survive.
Two days later I was well enough to travel, so my husband and I flew to Camperdown Children’s Hospital in Sydney. When we got there, we didn’t know whether she’d be alive or not.
What I witnessed that day, when I walked into the neonatal intensive care unit, is etched in my mind forever. A tiny newborn fighting for her life. My baby was attached to so many tubes on her tiny body, that it was shocking to even look at. I was broken but trying so hard to be brave and not cry. Each morning I’d wake up and be thankful I hadn’t received a phone call during the night telling me she’d deteriorated.
Every day I would walk through the big old doors of the hospital, not knowing whether my daughter was alive.
Jenna did survive her birth trauma and came home to live with us when she was a month old, but only four months later she was diagnosed with profound cerebral palsy. This life event was the start of a difficult journey as a parent and carer of a child with a major disability. It’s impacted our lives in every aspect for the last thirty years.
As a result of the constant twenty-four-hour care needs of my daughter and three more beautiful children, I was struggling to cope as a mother and wife, which led to the deterioration of my health. My life was spiralling out of control as I dealt with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and I found it difficult to leave the house.
Since I was a teenager, I’d suffered from perfectionism and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which robbed me of enjoying my life with my family.
Then, five years ago I decided it was time to look at ways to improve my mental and emotional health and find my authentic self. Due to the daily pressures of caring for my family, I’d lost my identity and had no self-worth. I was negative about life in general, angry and constantly dealing with fear-based problems, as well as judgment of others.
Through my own journey of self-development, I rediscovered who I really was. I found the freedom to do what I love and live my life to the fullest. As a fulltime carer, I led a different life from most and missed out on so many life experiences.
By thinking outside of the box and constantly challenging my thoughts, behaviours and actions, I started to believe that life can be anything you want it to be if you’re determined and willing to try, despite the obstacles put in your path. I learnt to take each day as it comes and that it’s impossible to be happy one-hundred percent of the time.
Once I came to realise that I could change my mindset and how I react to negative outcomes, I started to see the joy in the simple things in life. I challenged myself to learn something new each day, wrote a bucket list of what I’d always wanted to do and slowly realised those dreams as I accomplished them.
This gave my life meaning, purpose and happiness.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Those life lessons have made me the person I am today and given me the passion to inspire others who are experiencing adversity on their life journey.
I also realised that to express gratitude for my many blessings, I needed to give back and be of service by helping others on their journey.
Kathy x
